It's All About the Game, and How You Got Played
(A fun Rumble that saw superheroes fly, a bunch of Ho's, and one man enjoying popcorn way too much)
Storytelling: 3/5 Stars
Match Quality: 4/5 Stars
Finish: 4/5 Stars-
Winner: 4/5 Stars
Extracurricular: 4/5 Stars
TOTAL: 19/25 Stars
Great Moment You May Have Forgotten: A lot of people know the big obvious shocks and fun moments, but do you remember caring about Big Show and Kane as characters? Because in this match, Kane dead lifts Show out of the ring, I kid you not it was actually impressive.
Moment You Wish You Weren't Reminded Of: I have two. There's JR's irritating hatred for Chucky (although rightfully so, that gimmick was terrible), and the Godfather's 9 minute pimp introduction that caused us to miss the elimination of DDP.
*This and the number 4 match on the list were the last Rumbles to receive a tie, both at 19/25 Stars
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The 2002 Royal Rumble is the equivalent of Smirnoff Vodka. It's just a really good Rumble.
The factors surrounding the match were set to perfection. At this point, the comedy tandem of Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler were perfected, and it was fun to hear their banter and disagreement towards righteousness and insult comedy. If I had to pick one major gripe with this Rumble however, it was poor time management. The match promotes "Every two minutes a new superstar enters the ring", but the match had at least 5 times where it took well over two minutes to enter, in order to build suspense and a storyline. Hell Triple H's entry slot must've been about 3 hours between him and the next contestant. So take that as you will, it didn't do a lot however to take away excellent story build and great match quality.
The first third of the match started off fun, with a lot of solid mid carders, from Rikishi and Goldust, to Lance Storm and Billy Gunn (albeit in that terrible Billy and Chuck gimmick). However, when the Limp Bizkit medley Dead Man's music hit, you knew this was Undertaker's yard, and he just got rid of all of them. Next came the Hardy Boyz and Lita, out for revenge, but they were eventually fed to Taker's floor mats. Out at number 11 comes Maven, season 1 Tough Enough winner, back when Tough Enough was legitimate. Well the Hardyz are still mad at Taker and try to hurt him to no avail, leading to Undertaker grinning and showing off his Sara Tattoo.
And then this happened.
The biggest shocking elimination in Rumble history sent the crowd a frenzy, as mighty Maven conquered the Dead Man!!!! Taker has been slain.
Except he's still mobile and gives Maven the evil eye. What happens next is 4 minutes (well 7 minutes under actual time, not Rumble time), is the disembowelment and mutilation of Maven. Taken enters the ring and senselessly pummels Maven, including one of the worst chair shots to the head I've ever seen. He then proceeds to legally (but of course the inconsistent Rumble rule) throw Maven out, knock out a goofy dancing original Zack Ryder aka Scotty 2 Hotty, drag Maven up the area into the crowd, and bust his head throw a popcorn machine. Taker's night ends with him eating popcorn over a bloody corpse that is Maven. So yea, this was pure awesome sauce on the fire of heel Taker losing to a jobber.
The second third of the Rumble followed a similar strategy, with more mid carders. Christian, Diamond Dallas Page, Perrty Saturn (and those Mooving trunks), and representing his 900th gimmick Albert the Hip Hop Hippo, all enjoyed some quality screen time. But at number 19 was Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you can pretty much guess how that went. He threw everyone out of the ring and even some people twice. He must've hit about 40 stunners on everybody. Even when Test and Val Venis came out later and tried to team up, it was to no avail because let's be honest, you're not stopping Stone Cold.
Unless your the Game!
Yes in the longest two minutes in recorded history, HHH came back from his injury, walk down a puddle of water, came into the ring, and just had his epic stare down with Austin. They clashed like titans in a world of puny people for another 2 minutes knowing nothing could get in their way or stop these two behemoths.
EXCEPT STAND BACK, THERES A HURRICANE COMING THROUGH!
Yes the great and heroic Hurricane Helms rushed into action to save the day, using his powers of delusion he pushed the mighty Stone Cold and HHH, and grabbed the two colossal giants by the throat ready to save the day.
And then he learned how to fly, as Trips and Austin sent his butt packing. Still the greatest superhero moment in WWE history (yea I'm looking at you Hogan!)
The final third of the match only featured a handful of superstars. You had Faarooq who was sadly out quickly by the Game. You had Kane and Big Show, back before they made us groan, with a quick but impressive display of strength and power mentioned above. You had Booker T doing a spinarooni stupidly and being surprised when Austin Stunnered the hell out of him. And you have RVD, making his Rumble premiere, but it wasn't that good.
The final four were the colossal giants mentioned earlier, technical superstar/now legend Kurt Angle, and technical superstar of old Mr. Perfect Curt Henning (probably the only highlight of his 2002 return cough Plane Ride from Hell cough). Well eventually Austin is shown the door and graciously accepts his exit. Haha just kidding, he takes a chair and whacks everyone with it. Only Austin. Then after some great technical battles, Mr. Perfect says goodbye as Triple H knocks him out. And honestly, this was the right choice for the final two. While Angle probably should've been the winner from a wrestler standpoint, Triple H winning was acceptable here as well, as he eventually won the battle of wills with a vicious clothesline out of the ring. And in a rare appearance at the top of the mountain, Triple H is the winner.
This was just a great Rumble all around, while it didn't too anything too legendary (although Maven's upset may beg to differ), it didn't feature too many awful gimmicks hurting the product, and stayed on target for keeping the audience interested at all times. You can't ask for anything more, and the reason the top 4 are all ahead of this is that they each brought something special to the match where this just stayed the course, but it stayed the course quite well and with plenty of intrigue as WWE began its highly popular and highly controversial Ruthless Aggression Era.
If you're Maven, you may not want to remember this, but we will. Tomorrow we enter the top 4, with a Rumble match that starts off ok, and just keeps getting better and better and better. I guess you can say only one part of this match "bites", but it's been an honor and lets get the top 4 going.
